The day before we left for a Thanksgiving trip to Montana we borrowed a scale from our neighbors to weigh our suit case. In my entire adult life I have never owned a scale and it never bothered me. As of late, though, I had felt my clothes getting more snug and was sure I had put on a few pounds. I stepped on the scale, checking first to make sure that Henry was nowhere around, and picked a random number that I was hoping would be more than the number I saw on the scale. My number was in the 180s, since I'm used to being in the mid 170s. 194 popped onto the screen. Yikes. This had to be a mistake. So I got off, and got back on. 194. Hmmm... this scale must be broken. I hadn't weighed that much since I was 9 months pregnant with Joel! I commented to Henry that I thought the scale was off. He hopped on. 191. At that moment I wanted to melt into the floor. He didn't know what I knew... That I, at 5'9" weighed more than him at 6'4". He is also talking frequently about how he's putting on weight and needs to trim down. I didn't tell him that I weighed more than him. I just kind of shut down and started thinking about how horrible it was that I had let myself get to 194 pounds. He asked a few times if everything was ok and what was wrong. I never told him or really made much of an issue of it, but I couldn't handle the fact that I weighed more than him. It was a horrible feeling.
SO... I started thinking about what I was going to do about it. My first thought was, "I'm never going to eat again". Obviously that wasn't going to work. I started thinking about what I could do that would be healthy and wouldn't drastically change my life, but would help shed some pounds. I thought about how I've heard so many times that you, "shouldn't drink your calories". It's not that I don't like water, but I do love Diet Coke, Sweet Tea, the occasional Mt. Dew, and many other drinks. I decided that I would only drink water for a while, just to cut back on those calories and give myself a chance to see what I would feel like if I'm only drinking water. I made it through all of our Thanksgiving vacation and most of the month of december. (Disclaimer** I did have a sore throat in December and soothed it with some hot tea, but I don't really count that). I "broke my rule" in Washington when I was out with my sisters-in-law because I didn't want to be the party pooper who didn't order a drink on girls night out. After going a little over a month (which doesn't seem like that long) only having water, I'm ok with keeping things that way. Now I will treat myself to a mocha or fruity drink every now and then if the sprit moves me, but I do feel much more healthy having water the rest of the time... and I think it's also helped with the scale!
I also started doing Power 90 again. I've found that if I turn their music off and turn my own on I enjoy the work out a lot more! Yes, I would say I actually enjoy it, which is a first for me. I've also started using the kid's nap time to work out. When I've tried doing this in the past I tried getting up and working out before the kids wake up and it never stuck because, well, I hate getting up early. This has also helped.
Last time I tried Power 90 I did it with the mentality that if I'm working out I can eat whatever I want. I was working out so I could eat. I'm sure this was better than just eating whatever I wanted without working out! But I got frustrated pretty quickly because working out wasn't getting easier and I wasn't losing weight (for obvious reasons!) This time around I've tried to pay more attention to the food suggestions they give with the Power 90 program and have tried to change both the amount and variety of what I'm eating. I realized I was still eating like a pregnant or nursing mom, even though I had quit nursing! I definitely didn't need all the extra calories and was packing on the pounds without really even realizing it. I'm also trying to make the shift from carbs to veggies. I do love my breads and potatoes, but have been pretty pleasantly surprised by my enjoyment of broccoli, zucchini, cauliflower, carrots, etc.
Another thing that motivated me was seeing a high school class mate over Thanksgiving break. I'm guessing she's in the best shape of her life and part of me said, 'If she can be in shape, why can't I?'.
Aside from doing Power 90 I decided to start trying to run. For the first time instead of thinking, "I hate this... this is awful..." I'm thinking to myself, "How much easier will this be when you finally get rid of this extra weight you've been carrying?!?" Which gives me motivation to keep moving.
TODAY was my 3rd day (not consecutive) of going out for a run. I actually pushed myself and made myself pretty proud. Drew suggested at lunch that if I'm having a hard time running without stopping I should slow down. I laughed and told him that if I go much slower I'll be walking! He told me that was fine! I focused on slowing down a little and thinking of it more as a marathon than a sprint and was really happy with how much longer I could run!
I'm definitely not where I want to be yet... in fact, I'm not sure where I'll end up! I've always felt like I'm just built the way I'm built and there's nothing I can do about it. For the first time I'm thinking that maybe if I make some more permanent life changes maybe my body CAN change! More than that, though, even if the scale doesn't go below 170 (which, in my mind is my "glass ceiling") and even if I will never be a size 10 (but maybe a 12???), I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing because it makes me feel better. It also makes me feel better about myself. I never want to look at myself the way I was before and feeling bad about the excess weight that was making me not like parts of myself. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see. I always knew that I should probably be eating better and exercising more, but up until a month and a half ago I didn't really care because I thought I was happy the way I was. Part of that is true. I still love food! I am still lazy. But I don't ever want to feel the way I felt when I saw the scale say "194" ever again!
When we got back from Montana I went out and bought a scale. The last time I weighed myself (yesterday maybe?) I was at 176.9. I feel much more like "me" but I would love to be able to keep things going and see how healthy I can make myself.
